Handling the Explosive Energy of Accusations

Designers of airplanes, buildings, and tall antennas know that it’s not if but when a lightning strike will come. So, the design incorporates features to minimize damage and dissipate the energy.

When the senior, or lead pastor, exits a church in a hasty or abrupt manner, it sets up each member of the remaining leadership team to be a lightning rod for a wide assortment of allegations and accusations.

The high voltage strike may come via an email, a written letter, a phone call, or a face-to-face conversation. And like a literal lightning strike, it’s typically unexpected, emotionally shocking, and potentially quite damaging.

Since the destructive nature is very real….how important for the leader to be well grounded. Let me unpack the scenario, and how surprising that something quite wonderful can actually come from it.

What you’re going to hear

The exact wording may vary, but in essence, at the core of the accusation you’re hearing this:

• How could you not have known what was going on?
• Why didn’t you do something to keep this from happening?
• I don’t understand how this happened….you must be hiding something.

Zap! What has just happened? In the blink of an eye you went from being a trusted and respected leader in the ministry, to now being the object of character assassination as the motives behind your decisions are called into question.

What you’ll say to yourself

As that person emotionally and verbally vomits on you, here’s what is going on inside your head:

• They don’t have a clue how surprising, disappointing and emotionally difficult our pastor’s abrupt departure has been for me too.
• If they knew what I know they wouldn’t be attacking me.
• It’s not fair that suddenly they don’t trust me over how the situation is being handled.

It’s one thing to have people disagree with a decision we’ve made (for mature people can agree to disagree), but it escalates to a whole new level when they question our heart.

I have yet to meet anyone who likes to be accused. No one enjoys being the lightning rod for unjust, unfair, and one-sided allegations. King David knew this experience personally as he remarked in Psalm 109:4 “In return for my love they accuse me…”.

Lightning Rod Strategy

The ability to handle a literal lightning strike without sustaining damage depends on being grounded. Lightning protection for physical objects is not about repelling or resisting a strike but providing a path of least resistance into the ground where the energy is dissipated.

As an intentional interim pastor, having led multiple churches who have experienced an abrupt pastoral transition, I have been a lightning rod myself, as well as I’ve watched others on the leadership team take some hits.

Here are 3 best practices that will help you stay grounded when the storm clouds form! Each one will help dissipate the explosive energy.

1. Don’t dismiss them!

Our instinctive tendency with those who aggressively accuse us will be to dismiss them as being spiritually immature, emotionally out of control, or being ignorant and lacking objectivity.

Being dismissive is often a protective strategy for our heart. As I’ve already mentioned, no one likes being attacked. To be the recipient of an unexpected emotional outburst can be very painful. Guarding our heart from that pain is natural.

But being dismissive is a form of resistance, which results in the energy of the moment building instead of being dissipated. And that’s when damage is done.    

This may be hard to hear but being dismissive is also a form of pride. So yes, their method of communication was inappropriate…their emotions were over the top…and their lack of insider information has left them building a wacky conspiracy theory.

But these are all symptoms of something going on below the surface, which we’ll get to in just a moment.

There is an opportunity here for you as a leader, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to humbly receive…to be willing to hear someone else’s perspective…and to invite an engagement without defensiveness.

Not easy, but that leads to the second best practice….

2. Don’t take it personally!    

It’s going to feel personal but it’s not! The vast, vast majority of the time the surprising emotional push-back you’re experiencing is not an attack to conquer, but rather it’s an expression of that person’s deep sense of grief.

The energy behind the hit you’re taking is a result of the deep sense of loss they feel.

As a leader in your church, you don’t need to become a certified grief counselor, but you do need to understand the basic elements of how grief works and expresses itself. The person accusing you may not even understand why they are reacting as they are. So, here are some important aspects of grief to keep in mind.

The abrupt departure of the pastor is felt by many in the church as a loss that is similar in many ways to that of a death of a loved one. Someone is gone and will not be coming back. They are grieving this loss. And depending on the depth of their sense of grief, it will be expressed in several ways:

• The urgent sense that someone needs to do something immediately.
• Words of blame that someone should have been able to prevent this from happening.
• An insistence, out of uncertainty, that everything is falling apart at the church.
• They will sense that trust has been broken, and not know who or what they can believe.

When the person communicating with you realizes you’re not getting defensive, there still may be an initial emotional surge, but then you’ll have the opportunity to shepherd their heart. They don’t need you to “fix” them, but rather walk with them through the healing journey.

Which leads to the third best practice….

3. Don’t distance yourself!

Remind yourself that your role is that of a shepherd.  Shepherding is personal and face-to-face. Ask yourself, how does this person need your shepherding care at this time? How can you love them well?

If you’re dismissive in your attitude, you’ll distance yourself physically.

When a lead, or senior pastor, abruptly leaves it creates a messy and disruptive climate in the church. If handled well, the messiness will only exist for a season.

So, make yourself available to meet with people. Stand around before and after services to talk with anyone who needs your ear. When a person experiences significant grief, they hear your words but easily forget them. So, don’t be surprised that you need to repeat explanations and assurances over and over again.

These 3 best practices will help provide a path of least resistance for the strikes you take as a lightning rod. When accusations come your way, you can either groan through it (seeking to endure out of resignation), or you can grow through it with a hope that the Lord will use you to care for that other person.

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For more insight into how to lead your church through abrupt pastoral transition, I’ve written a workbook on how to handle the first 90-days. “Aftermath” will guide the leadership team in the critical choices necessary to see the church recover when their lead pastor abruptly leaves..

Click here to go to the TRM Store and purchase.